learning to love;

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand it's own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustices but rejoices when ever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Taking hold of each sentence of this scripture and putting it into action in my life would have to be the most freeing thing I will ever do.

Learning how to truly love has been a struggle for me. I let my past and my own nature control the way I love those around me. Not just love like boyfriend & girlfriend "love", but TRUE love for OTHERS. My family, friends, and everyone else. Why is it SO easy to act the exact opposite of love to those who you care about the most? Because you know they will still love you? Not a good answer, I tell myself.

I want to be like Jesus, I want to love like He loves.

Unconditional. No matter what others do, to me, for me, around me, anything. I am determined to learn how to love. I am determined to have more patients with my baby nephews, and not be over sensitive and become irritable, to forgive those that hurt me and keep no record of ever being hurt, I am determined to never give up on those I love and to never give up on learning how to love like Jesus: Every Day. Every Situation. Every Circumstance.

Although I have come a long way, I am not near where I am going to be. I will not let my past control me anymore. I will not let hurt turn into anger. I will learn selfless love and put me aside for others, even when I'm hurt, even when I don't "feel" like it. I am going to love and that love is going to continue to set me free!

open up my eyes the the things unseen.

Even if I take two steps forward and one step back (because that's how it usually happens, as I grow) I am going to continue to move forward into the life God has promised me!

Love is not a feeling, it is a choice.

I'm going to choose to love even when I don't want to.

Dig into this:

Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God's people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you. Don't curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don't be to proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don't think you know it all! Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say. "I will take revenge; I will pay them back" says the Lord. Instead, "If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads." Don't let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good. Romans 12:9-21

I just came across this, and it has just fed my Spirit and given me the inspiration I have been longing for. Mm mm mm, the Word of the Lord tastes SO good. I am determined to love!Thank you, Jesus!

my prayer;

Is that all of those who read this would know you are not reading this by coinsident. God has put you in a place for His seed to be planted in your life. For you to see a glimpse of what He has for you if you will reach out and grab hold of it. He wants your heart... your good, your bad, your ugly. He wants to cleanse your life and soul. Break strong holds. He wants to heal you from the pain of your past/present. He wants to show you real happiness, real love. He wants to take care of you and be your daddy. He wants to show you what it is like to feel whole and complete without depending on someone or something else in this world.

For those who are reading this, I pray over you right now: That you will no longer accept the lies of the enemy over your life, that your strong holds are broken right now, in the name of Jesus. That the Holy Spirit is moving in your life, and salvation has come to you. That you will make a decision to put God first now and everyday from here on out. That God has brought healing to your wounds and you will grab hold of what is YOURS. That you will no longer settle for getting by, and no longer settle for what the world has, but you will embrace Jesus' love and forgiveness. You are a son/daughter of Christ and all of the good things He has promised you are YOURS. They are for YOU. The past does not bind you anymore. Your life will be surrendured to God and He will show you all that He has for you. You will seek Him everyday and come into a relationship with Him that is truly like no other. I bind all henderences and tear down any walls in your life, and thank the Holy Spirit for moving. Salvation is here. All in Jesus name, Amen.

God is waiting for you, with arms wide open... when the world fails you, when the people you love fail you, when the one you trust most fails you, when promises are broken time and time again... God is waiting to love you. Your His baby, He wants to hold you as you cry and heal your heart from the wounds of life. So run, run into His arms and don't look back!! You are called by God to be here, to be in the place that you are, for divine purpose!! He loves you and only wants you to give Him the chance to show you.

Seek your Father and he will find you.

Keep asking and you will recieve. Keep seeking and you will find. Keep knocking and the door will be opened. Matthew 7:7

no turning back;

In the past I have always found myself looking back. Each season would bring back old memories and I would feel like something better couldn't be possible. I would want what use to be. This year has been very different, after a very long fall/winter, I felt myself in a full on sprint for a FRESH spring and an even FRESHER summer. And that is exactly what God gave me.

Before I use to live for the days of summer spent road tripping and the night of a good party with all my friends. (At the time it seemed like those were the only things to do, living in Harrisburg) Only to wake up the next morning feeling empty. To wake up looking for the next moment in time I would feel "alive" again. The next road trip, party, get together... The drinking which I thought made me feel "alive" was actually the very thing that was taking life from me.

The things we choose to obey are the things we become slaves to.

I chose to drink, therefore eventually I thought I had to drink to have fun and feel happy again. So for the most part, if I was not at a good party...and sometimes even if I was. I was not "happy". I had been sucked into this pattern that was not only unhealthy but UNFUFILLING.

This is the first summer since I had started drinking, after my freshman year of high school, that wasn't spent partying. Even though the old memories crept up on me and gave me that temporary high in my mind, I was forced not to give in. I'm pregnant and obviously that wasn't a choice. The time spent not looking back and not drinking gave me opportunity to give my new life a REAL chance. To look forward and not look into the things of this world for my happiness.

Now, after I have my little girl, I am set solid on never going back to the past to try and create a "happy" present. I'm standing firm on God and His Promises, His Word and nothing or nobody else! Between my daughter, God, and best friend, I have learned how to be happy without the parties/drinking. I remembered what it was like to truly laugh again, to really find enjoyment out of the little things, to smile just because, to think of somebody other than myself, 

To not want the past, enjoy the present, and look forward to the future!

testimony;

This past fall/winter was probably the lowest and roughest part of my life. Not that the entire year before had been much better, considering it is what led me into such a "downfall". I was very lost even though I knew the what the right path was, I was in a sea of blindness. In an unhealthy relationship & an unhealthy lifestyle. I searched for my approval in this world from others and especially my unfaithful boyfriend. I dealt with most of my problems by turning my inward hurt into outward anger. I drank way to much and never really stopped to consider the obvious and much better option for myself. I let someone else supply my happiness, self-security, and worth. This was VERY out of character for me. Now that I had slowly trapped myself emotionally, in a relationship I thought I couldn't live without, and given myself away to someone who never even deserved my time, let alone my innocents. A year in a half later, I find myself pregnant.

This news was absolutely shocking and unreal. I revealed the news to my boyfriend, who was in shock also but didn't show a sign of unhappiness. I don't think I actually believed it until the following day when I wrecked my parents world. This was not the first time they had been through this, but they did not expect to be going through it again with their BABY girl.

The next month was a roller coaster of emotions, I was very sick from the pregnancy, my boyfriend of a year in a half had practically disappeared from my life, everyday was a battle. I was ready to grow up the day after I found out and my boyfriend reverted and ran the opposite direction. We could barely keep a grip on our relationship before, now that a child was involved it was much more clear to me why my mother and sisters had given me all the advice I never wanted to hear. I supposedly "had it under control" and was being "smart".

After about three weeks of trying to drag my boyfriend to church with me and trying to force him to turn towards God with me I made a decision. I was journaling and told God I was choosing Him whether my boyfriend was joining me or not. For the first time in a long time I set my mind on something and knew I was going to stick with it. I then officially broke up with my boyfriend. This was a saturday. I could not turn to drinking this time. I spent more nights in my bedroom sick to my stomach with the pain and hurt from my boyfriend not caring and the decision I knew was the right one. I played christan music and sermons, even if I wasn't always listening, and I cried out all the pain of an awful couple years and situation. The time spent up in my bedroom with God, praying and seeking, was VERY precious. I imagined His arms around me and held on to the light at the end of the tunnel although I hadn't seen it yet.

The following sunday night at church during a very intimate worship, Jesus spoke to me through one of the lead singers in the band. He said:

"Do you know you have caught my eye? In the secret place where you chose to die. You said no to your flesh. Praying to me in the bed and in the car. You've made radical decisions. I'm here and you are not doing this alone. I have heard your cries. I have filled you with My Glory. I am in love with you."

WOW. I have since then been blessed by God and also tried by the devil in many ways. I have stuck by God and His Word. I am following God and trusting Him with EVERYTHING in my life. He has since given me myself back (confidence, security, happiness, laughing, joy, trust...), a baby girl, supportive family, and true friends. I seek after Him everyday and I will never turn towards anything else in this world. This world has nothing for us!! The love of God will turn any situation around!! I knew what I had to do for the new life I was bringing into this world, I just wish I would have thought of myself as a good enough reason before.

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.

Matthew 6:33