A letter to my high school classmates...

I was once like you, I desperately longed for and searched for love. A love longing I was born with, you were born with it too. When our parents could not fulfill this perfect love we desired and so desperately search for (whether we knew it or not) We began seeking it out in all the different temporary highs of this world and I'm talking way before high school. Maybe food was our comfort before we recognized we were filling or attempting to fill a void that only a perfect love could satisfy.  That started our path to being over weight or unhealthy which carries literally and figuratively so much weight to our self esteem and self worth.. Then it was our "best friends" who weren't really the "best" at loving us... They were actually kind of mean at a young age. So all of us "best friends" sought and competed for boyfriends who would "love" us (as we desired) the same way their parents may or may not have loved them, so "perfectly" then we cried empty tears of rejection after we were broken up with by what we thought was true love. Then sought out to be the rejector instead of the rejected to never feel that way again. 

It was barely high school when we decided our own feelings would reign supreme over all others and our hearts grew a temperature colder. All the while we still have the deep longings for a real love, a prefect love, that continued to rule and drive us until we would find. We gave pieces of our selves away to each boy or girl that could sell us their best "love" lines. Then we all carried the same shame and later rejection from the significant other we so willingly gave our selves to to feel the love we so desperately still wanted to know. Most of us woke up to the shattered dreams of high school as either young mothers, drug addicted brothers, drop outs, alcohol, drug, and party addicted college students. Young mothers and fathers who now all bare the decisions and responsibility of giving love (we were never really given) to a baby who is also created with the same desire to be loved as early as their forming in the womb. How will we love? How can we bare our own hurts and pains from rejection that we have carried for so long and know how to love this baby so the cycle will not repeat itself. This rejection that tells us we are unworthy to feel worth, unworthy of happiness, unworthy of... Love.

And to our addicted brothers who were rejected by coaches because we weren't "good enough"... We weren't useful to win games, and that's the most important role a coach plays in our lives a coach can play....right? Winning games? Why weren't we good enough? Didn't that coach or teacher see the way we LOVED that sport? How could those college scouts not see the passion in my heart and how bad I wanted this? Rejection takes root again. Maybe I really wasn't good enough? Or maybe I was "in love" with something that would not, that simply could not love me back. Maybe I was yet again suffering the results of a coach who was trying to build a reputation or increase the numbers on the board. Instead of building a young player who was searching for love to justify their purpose for being in this earth. All the while, coaches and players alike were just acting off of a desire that went and was still going unfulfilled by a LOVE that we were all born longing for...

So throw that dream away, harden your hearts with drugs and alcohol, partying, sex and unhealthy relationships. At least these things may bring us popularity and a chance to feel the love we want so bad. And once the party dies we can use these things for a greater cause- numbness- it feeds our cold hurting hardened hearts. We have all decided no feeling is better than the rejection we have picked up carried for so long when ALL WE WANTED was a love we were born longing for that (if were honest) we never asked for.. As a matter if fact now were angry.. Why am I here? I didn't ask for this? I didn't ask to be born with a desire to be loved? that would go unsatisfied because of generations of parents, best friends, boy/girl friends, coaches, and teachers who were once children not loved perfectly and felt rejected and so on?

Have you been through one or all of the above? Been through a lesser or far greater version of these scenarios in your lifetime? I have. I'm Jessi Johnson that you all went to school with, a real person. I have felt many of these feelings and dealt with many of these rejections and can still see the faces of those I went to school with who suffered or who still are suffering the bad after taste of our school years in their mouths, better yet in their hearts.

 I've shared this to bring the message, the Good News and bring Hope to you. In all sincerity of the feelings this letter brought up to  you as each word reminded you of the bitter sting you hold in your heart from your childhood and your school years as you could relate. Bringing back feelings we all have been trying to bury from our own versions of the rejections, shames, and reasons for unworthiness of love we share.... I found it.

I found the love we have all been longing for, His name is Jesus. And He has called me in this very normal morning to unexpectedly share with you all the feelings I tried to hide and bury from my school years. He called me to share this because, He know you. He knows you feel like I have felt too. He knows you are weary from baring the rejections and carrying the shames and disappointments... and He says to you:

"I am here, I am waiting on you. Yes you, my beloved. I love you. I know you're not perfect, I know you feel scarred from your past, from circumstances, situations, shame and rejection. All because you were searching for a love and a desire for your purpose. I am perfect love and I love you. Not the cliché "Jesus loves you" kind of way... I have a love for you that takes your breath away and wipes away all the scars you thought were permanent. My Father created you, for this purpose, to love and to BE LOVED. Come to me beloved." -Jesus

(Please excuse grammar and improper use of everything as far as proper or correct writing goes) ❤️ ;) 

I love you all.

today is a big day thanks to God.

Today is a big day for my little family... Two falls🍁🍃🍂 ago Caleb and I started believing God for a job that would allow me to continue to stay at home with Jocci and our future children. We were also believing that Caleb would enjoy the job. 

Caleb got his mining papers and we just knew by at least January (2013) he would be getting a job in a near by mine. He applied at a couple mines that we never heard anything from as well as 3 other good enough paying jobs that he would have to travel too work if he got were hired. 

Although we always try to make the best of any time/situation in our lives, THIS was a really hard time for us.. The ups and downs of interviewing and testing for job after job while trying to hang on to hope. It's an emotional roller coaster on top of trying not to live off your parents (whom we already lived with, did work for to have money, and take care of our little Jocci). I had to change my thoughts, re-adjust them through every up and down, and most importantly find the "perscripture" as Madea would call it (hehe) or Word of God, for my problem! I found 

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." Psalms 23:1

This scripture doesn't mean that I wouldn't want or that God would only provide to me my needs. It mean that The Lord is my care taker, He KNOWS my needs as well as my wants.. He knows the desires of my heart and He will take care of those. All in His perfect timing of course.

So I held on to this word.. I meditated on it, posted it on my social networks when I needed an outlet. Repeated over in my head, spoke it out loud. Especially in the dark moments when I felt discouraged and wasn't sure how I could continue to hope. 

Around April Caleb got a call that would change our lives..from

Continental Tire... He had an interview!!!! I would always speak Gods favor over Caleb as he applied for jobs, went into interviews as well as trusting that if this job wasn't the job God had for Caleb then we didn't want it. Not only did he get the job, he was hired directly on through the company and did not have to work as a contractor! 

He was paid a small to some but good enough amount for us to make a budget and live comfortably on at my parents. On the TOP of the priority list in our budget (very first a foremost) was 10% tithe. From his very first check we tithed and did not miss tithing God's small 10% or giving more when we felt lead to, from not one pay check. After all, if it wasn't for God we wouldn't have the income at all AND if He could not trust us to tithe off of little how could He trust us to eventually tithe off of a lot. God would not asks us to tithe if there was not something better for Him to give back to us! He loves to give and to bless His children. WE WERE SO EXCITED! 😁

 So I continue on.. Although this was enough for is to pay the small bills we had, take care of our family, and have money to give, save, and live a little.. I know my God knew our needs and our desires. We share an old beat up explore of my parents that we didn't take for granted. So a new car.. We obviously lived at home with my parents, so our house being finished. Were two major needs/desires. 

We get married, never dreaming to literally come home pregnant, have no home of our own for two children and a small suv that only 2 doors work on. One up front and on in the back, difficult for two adults and two children with car seats!

But we continued to trust God, trust our tithe, trust His blessing upon on us and keep on keeping on.

So the new year was approaching, Caleb was hearing of job openings in the mines. So one morning we woke up extra early, loaded our little family up and I drove my tired from work man to a contracting place to take fill out an application. Still trusting, praying, believing, meditating! If he could get a job in a near by mine we could have more time together (less of a drive) save more gas, and afford the things we needed/wanted for a home and two children!

Not too long after, He got the second call that would alter our lives for the better! He has an interview with The contractor and come to find out he was hired!!!! This was a pay cut from continental but with the difference in gas it would equal out. But ended up being an even better pay check after overtime.. We continued to tithe off of our new higher income, continued to trust God as He had entrusted us with a little more.

Now. Bringing us to today. Three short (the minimum required 90 days) months later from being hired by the contractor to work in Wildcat Mines, Caleb is HIRED ON COMPANY and today is his first day!!!

I know this was a long/detailed story. That's kind of just how I tell stories, I'm a details kind of person. But I really want anyone (if any crazy person read this whole thing, praying someone did lol) to know that trusting God can be hard, but it is ALWAYS worth it... Since we started trusting God financially, tithing, and being faithful with little.. God's Word has never come back void. His Word is Truth and I got it deeply rooted in me through the ups and downs that "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want!" He is my provider!!!! and this is a real life story of someone most of you know that there is NO denying it! 

It was not always easy, it did not always look promising, but His word is the truth regardless of what my human eyes could see and regardless of how I felt. I don't trust my eyes or my feelings. I trust Gods Word above all!

I am beyond thankful for a husband who believes and trusts in God with me, who chooses to be an honorable worker and co-worker of integrity at whichever job he is at and try to love people He works with the best he can as Jesus wouldThe two of us are MOST thankful for a God who is personal, who loves us, and who is TRUE to His Word, ALWAYS!

the grass withers, and it's flower falls away.

because “All flesh is as grass, And all the glory of man as the flower of the grass. The grass withers, And its flower falls away, But the word of the Lord endures forever.”....1 Peter 1:24, 25

❤When my emotions decide to quit running the race, the Word of God will endure through the finish!

To give you a little background on where I'm coming from for this... Me and my fiancé have been working on our home for a little over a year now. It was in a house fire before my parents bought it and has been our project. We have worked very hard gutting it down to the studs and are ready to make this house a home and build it back up from nothing! Our dream has been to do all of this completely debt free and loan free. We believe God does not want us to live in debt or be a slave to the lender! Although this is a wise decision it hasn't always been easy.. Most recently (as our wedding approaches) the anticipation has been growing and the pressure to continue to wait patiently (first for his job, now to save the money) has been very high! So high that this past Wednesday morning we went to the bank to get a loan application and find out options. I didn't have a bad feeling about doing this, in fact a had a good feeling about becoming closer to a desire in my heart! Now to the point..

This past Wednesday night at church everyone brought "something tangible" representing an area in their lives to pray over as one in agreement! I brought a quote that held dear to my heart because it was the way I felt about my new home.

As the day went on I heard from a sister in Christ to bring something to do with my house, she heard from The Holy Spirit. Later that evening I heard from my fiancé.. You're going to hear from God tonight. I went back in forth on whether to bring the loan application or the quote representing my first debt free dream and the way I felt about my new home in the beginning when I was full of motivation non-stop! I felt The Lord tell me that that dream wasn't too big for Him and I didn't have to settle for a monthly payment if I would put my trust in Him and give my timelines in my mind to Him! 

At church I indeed did hear word from The Lord that spoke directly to me. The devil will try to bring a plan B there may not be anything wrong with that plan B but if I choose to sit on the Word of God and become immovable there is no plan b!! That morning I 'felt' no hesitation about the loan, I was excited about it! This is a perfect example of why I can't rely on my feelings and I have to go back to the Word and stand on it every time! To say "NO! I'm not moving when plans b, c, and d come along!" If I want the promises that God has for me I will wait for His perfect timing and I will endure with the Word pass my feelings which will  without a doubt lose steam! I am so thankful for this Word and the wisdom/strength (because of relationship with Him) to have made the decision to let the loan go and keep standing on Gods promises! 

A long time confession over my life:

"God is good, He has a good plan for my life! Everything my hand touches prospers and succeeds. I am the head and not the tail, above and not beneath. I will lend to many nations but I never have to borrow!"

❤Put my roots in what God says, not my desire!

love confession;

Satan cannot stand against a Believer that has revelation of the power of speaking the scriptures. -@Creflo_Dollar [tweet]

As sons/daughters of Christ we have the authority to confess or speak good or bad over our lives, according to Genesis 1:26-28 we have dominion over the earth, as well as, our lives!

How do we know what to confess?

God's Word. Put yourself in each scripture, blessing, and promise from God in the Bible.

Right now, in my personal life, I am searching to have more love, loves towards others. So, I have taken the scriptures from Romans 12:9-21 and made my personal daily love confession!

my love confession:

I truly love others and hate what is wrong. I hold tightly to what is good and love with genuine affection. and take delight in honoring others! I am never lazy, but work hard and enthusiastically to serve the Lord. I rejoice in our confident hope, I am patient in trouble and keep on praying. When God's people are in need I am ready to help them and I'm always eager to practice hospitality. I bless those who persecute me, I do not curse them; I pray that God will bless them. I am happy with those who are happy and I weep with those who weep. I live in harmony with others. I am not to proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people and I do not think I know it all. I never pay back evil with more evil. All of my ways are honorable for everyone to see, and I do all that I can to live in peace with everyone. I never take revenge. Instead, when my enemies are hungry I feed them, if they are thirsty I give them something to drink....I do not let evil conquer me but I conquer evil by doing good! All in Jesus' name, Amen!

Stay Blessed :)

learning to love;

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand it's own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustices but rejoices when ever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Taking hold of each sentence of this scripture and putting it into action in my life would have to be the most freeing thing I will ever do.

Learning how to truly love has been a struggle for me. I let my past and my own nature control the way I love those around me. Not just love like boyfriend & girlfriend "love", but TRUE love for OTHERS. My family, friends, and everyone else. Why is it SO easy to act the exact opposite of love to those who you care about the most? Because you know they will still love you? Not a good answer, I tell myself.

I want to be like Jesus, I want to love like He loves.

Unconditional. No matter what others do, to me, for me, around me, anything. I am determined to learn how to love. I am determined to have more patients with my baby nephews, and not be over sensitive and become irritable, to forgive those that hurt me and keep no record of ever being hurt, I am determined to never give up on those I love and to never give up on learning how to love like Jesus: Every Day. Every Situation. Every Circumstance.

Although I have come a long way, I am not near where I am going to be. I will not let my past control me anymore. I will not let hurt turn into anger. I will learn selfless love and put me aside for others, even when I'm hurt, even when I don't "feel" like it. I am going to love and that love is going to continue to set me free!

open up my eyes the the things unseen.

Even if I take two steps forward and one step back (because that's how it usually happens, as I grow) I am going to continue to move forward into the life God has promised me!

Love is not a feeling, it is a choice.

I'm going to choose to love even when I don't want to.

Dig into this:

Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God's people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you. Don't curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don't be to proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don't think you know it all! Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say. "I will take revenge; I will pay them back" says the Lord. Instead, "If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads." Don't let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good. Romans 12:9-21

I just came across this, and it has just fed my Spirit and given me the inspiration I have been longing for. Mm mm mm, the Word of the Lord tastes SO good. I am determined to love!Thank you, Jesus!

my prayer;

Is that all of those who read this would know you are not reading this by coinsident. God has put you in a place for His seed to be planted in your life. For you to see a glimpse of what He has for you if you will reach out and grab hold of it. He wants your heart... your good, your bad, your ugly. He wants to cleanse your life and soul. Break strong holds. He wants to heal you from the pain of your past/present. He wants to show you real happiness, real love. He wants to take care of you and be your daddy. He wants to show you what it is like to feel whole and complete without depending on someone or something else in this world.

For those who are reading this, I pray over you right now: That you will no longer accept the lies of the enemy over your life, that your strong holds are broken right now, in the name of Jesus. That the Holy Spirit is moving in your life, and salvation has come to you. That you will make a decision to put God first now and everyday from here on out. That God has brought healing to your wounds and you will grab hold of what is YOURS. That you will no longer settle for getting by, and no longer settle for what the world has, but you will embrace Jesus' love and forgiveness. You are a son/daughter of Christ and all of the good things He has promised you are YOURS. They are for YOU. The past does not bind you anymore. Your life will be surrendured to God and He will show you all that He has for you. You will seek Him everyday and come into a relationship with Him that is truly like no other. I bind all henderences and tear down any walls in your life, and thank the Holy Spirit for moving. Salvation is here. All in Jesus name, Amen.

God is waiting for you, with arms wide open... when the world fails you, when the people you love fail you, when the one you trust most fails you, when promises are broken time and time again... God is waiting to love you. Your His baby, He wants to hold you as you cry and heal your heart from the wounds of life. So run, run into His arms and don't look back!! You are called by God to be here, to be in the place that you are, for divine purpose!! He loves you and only wants you to give Him the chance to show you.

Seek your Father and he will find you.

Keep asking and you will recieve. Keep seeking and you will find. Keep knocking and the door will be opened. Matthew 7:7

no turning back;

In the past I have always found myself looking back. Each season would bring back old memories and I would feel like something better couldn't be possible. I would want what use to be. This year has been very different, after a very long fall/winter, I felt myself in a full on sprint for a FRESH spring and an even FRESHER summer. And that is exactly what God gave me.

Before I use to live for the days of summer spent road tripping and the night of a good party with all my friends. (At the time it seemed like those were the only things to do, living in Harrisburg) Only to wake up the next morning feeling empty. To wake up looking for the next moment in time I would feel "alive" again. The next road trip, party, get together... The drinking which I thought made me feel "alive" was actually the very thing that was taking life from me.

The things we choose to obey are the things we become slaves to.

I chose to drink, therefore eventually I thought I had to drink to have fun and feel happy again. So for the most part, if I was not at a good party...and sometimes even if I was. I was not "happy". I had been sucked into this pattern that was not only unhealthy but UNFUFILLING.

This is the first summer since I had started drinking, after my freshman year of high school, that wasn't spent partying. Even though the old memories crept up on me and gave me that temporary high in my mind, I was forced not to give in. I'm pregnant and obviously that wasn't a choice. The time spent not looking back and not drinking gave me opportunity to give my new life a REAL chance. To look forward and not look into the things of this world for my happiness.

Now, after I have my little girl, I am set solid on never going back to the past to try and create a "happy" present. I'm standing firm on God and His Promises, His Word and nothing or nobody else! Between my daughter, God, and best friend, I have learned how to be happy without the parties/drinking. I remembered what it was like to truly laugh again, to really find enjoyment out of the little things, to smile just because, to think of somebody other than myself, 

To not want the past, enjoy the present, and look forward to the future!